


A Reason to Stay

by Llolo



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Depressed 707 | Choi Luciel, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Protective 707 | Choi Luciel, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 19:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17107112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llolo/pseuds/Llolo
Summary: "I didn't know I had become dependent on his dependence on me."





	A Reason to Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfiction... It's essentially meant to be a oneshot, but I wouldn't mind keeping it up... Warning though! There's AnGsT~

I turned the doorknob.

I then proceeded to find myself by an opened door instead of a closed one.  
Not that it was of any help, though. I still could see nothing.  
Anxiously and hesitantly, I drew my hand nearer to the light switch.  
God... please... make it okay...  
Make it be okay...  
I pushed the button. Light instantly burst out of the bulbs hanging from the ceiling, blinding me. Suppressing a grunt, I became aware of two things.  
First, I suddenly realized how much I'd been overworking myself by that point. I had become a dark hermit, only able to see light from my barely lit computers. And this sure didn't seem pleasing in the slightest.  
Second, and most importantly, I felt myself releasing a breath I hadn't known I had been holding.  
He was fine.

Even though it had already been 4 years since I had gotten my brother back, I couldn't seem to shake off the feeling in my gut every time he was left alone for too long.  
And recently, any period of time seemed too long to me.  
I know I should trust him more as he’s just as stable as anyone today… but…  
I can’t help it…  
Dear, dear brother…

I looked at his sleeping face; at his head peeking from underneath the covers. He looked so peaceful, so… innocent. Nobody would have guessed that this little guy here used to be… a serial killer.  
Because of his stupid brother who broke his promise to him, leaving him alone and raw.  
This same big brother had gotten him back, though. And ever since that day, there were none during which he didn’t blame or trash himself for what happened.  
Not that he would say that to his younger twin, though. Why would he? To burden him even more? Hadn’t he carried enough weight on his poor shoulders already?  
It was 3:00 a.m., and there I was, by my brother’s room’s door, staring at him, afraid he would disappear if I ever let go of him for even a second.  
I had been doing that a lot, lately… as I mentioned before. I’d spend days and nights without getting any sleep, just to constantly make sure Saeran was okay and well. That he was still breathing.  
I was refusing to admit to myself that the little guy I saw before me wasn’t a little guy anymore. I was disagreeing on the fact that he had become a man, just as, if not more; capable than me.  
Oh, Saeran…

My stomach growled.  
…Why should I care?  
I did so many bad things in my life I probably deserved to die… so why would I ever eat? Why would I drink? Why did I have to keep breathing?  
…The answer to that used to be rather simple.  
“Because I promised Saeran we would both get out someday! Because, we deserve to be happy too… Because we’re not mistakes!” is what I used to tell myself.  
“Because I have to keep searching for Saeran so that I can find him and we can finally be happy!” is what I also used to tell myself at some point, after stuff… happened.  
After the whole… cult events, my motto changed and the answer to these questions became even more obvious:  
“Because I have to keep my brother alive.”  
…

This thought brought a bitter taste to my mouth. My tongue felt on fire with each memory that came to my mind at that very moment.  
What would be the answer from then on?  
This rhetorical question suddenly didn’t seem all that rhetorical anymore to me. And I couldn’t find an answer.  
I could not find any answer.  
I glanced at the man next to me. The man I felt honored to be able to call “Brother”.  
He was handsome, strong, strongminded too, smart, and extremely kind, albeit a little reserved.  
He would keep living just fine without me around… wouldn’t he? I chuckled darkly, yet at a low volume so as not to wake him up, at the thought.  
Ah, Saeran…  
I didn’t have anything or anyone to protect anymore.  
Even my mind couldn’t be saved… as it had already been corrupted. Too corrupted for its own good. It was not about having seen and heard a lot in life anymore… It was not about having experienced a lot. It was about having been through a lot, through too much.

I coughed, bringing my hand to my mouth as to muffle the sound. I soon felt a sticky yet warm substance on that same hand of mine, dripping down from my palm to the floor.  
Out of the corner of my eye, I could faintly make out its color: deep crimson.  
Weird... I thought, not bothered in the slightest. After all I have put my friends and family through, I deserved to get hurt. I deserved to be in pain.  
Would I ever dare stop this pain when I knew that I clearly deserved it as a punishment? 

Hmm... At that very instant, I had found myself a new answer. I guess.  
I would keep on going... and hitching and panting before breathing... Because I deserved it. Because my unworthy self deserved to be in pain.

I got up, and glanced at my brother one last time before getting out. He looked like... such an angel... I loved him so much.  
...Wouldn't it be better for him if I wasn't around to bother him anymore...?  
But... I promised not to leave him... ever again...  
Stupid me... neglecting that...  
Yes. He would be better off without someone as idiotic and as untrustworthy as me.

I turned around, turned off the lights, and got out of the room, confused.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
